Triggering a deeper level of attraction in men
Some women can’t accept or don’t like the idea of testing and challenging a man. For example, I have a close female friend who likes to tell me that men should be attracted to women simply because the woman is the person that she is, and that doing too much to attract men, like challenging men, is like playing games and is some form of MANIPULATION.
Ah… we’ve all thought and heard of how a lot of women don’t want to “play games” and take part in any other manipulating behavior. I get the mindset. It’s that if you’re mature enough to want a serious relationship then why in the world do you need to do things that might not be what you’d naturally do.
A relationship should, if it’s “meant to be”, come together without your having to do much at all and that doing anything to attract a man is manipulative. That’s great if you’re sure that you’ll meet the perfect guy at the perfect time and that you’ll easily fall in love and live happily ever after. But if you’ve been dating and have had various failed relationships then you probably know that these are the exceptions.
And while I get what women mean about playing games, I’m always compelled to show them that they’re already using their own personal manipulations—such as cooking for a man even if you hate cooking, or wearing makeup and dressing sexy on a date—aren’t these things manipulative. Isn’t doing these things a way to get what you want out of the situation?
And how about the potential manipulative behaviors that are common in men? Men often take a woman to a fancy restaurant, and buy her flowers and gifts because he is trying to get a certain reaction from his gestures. Isn’t this a form of manipulation that really only seems normal because it’s so common?
I’m not at all against men doing these kinds of things for women but it makes my point—we have certain behaviors and communications aimed at getting a reaction from the other person.
Now that we’ve got the idea of playing games out of the way, let’s get on to what works with men.
In my opinion, most men, and especially the ones who have an easy time attracting and meeting women, have gone through a learning curve here in our western culture that has, on average, given them a sort of “predictable psychological makeup”.
Now, there are differences between these men, some are smart, some are not, some are tall, some are short, some are cerebral, some are physical, etc., etc, but there are things that most of them have in common. At some point in their lives, the men who attract lots of women began to be treated differently because they were attractive. I mentioned the social psychology concept earlier called “The Halo Effect”. (I briefly mentioned this in an earlier chapter.) Simply stated, attractive people are assumed to be smarter, more honest, more trustworthy etc. than others. The fact that a woman who does whatever an attractive man tells her to do, begins to blur her sense of reality, and makes the man believe that he can have whatever he wants whenever he wants it.
Now, on a subconscious level, I’ve noticed that most attractive men realize that they are being ridiculous when they act as if they are God’s gift to the world, take women for granted, etc., but it doesn’t really matter because it still WORKS for them… Still with me on this? Underneath it all, they are still men and they are looking for what other men are looking for…
So what are men looking for?
Well, for the record, there’s no easy answer. And anyone who tells you they have THE ANSWER is flat out lying to you or just talking from their own subjective personal experience.
But here’s my take on it: First and foremost, they want a woman that is in CONTROL (of the situation, herself, her emotions, other people, her world, and especially someone in control of the entire reality that they share). So it goes to show that women who are confident, comfortable, and in control are often irresistibly attractive to men.
Let me ask you, if you were a man and you wanted to test a woman to see if she’d stay in control, how would you do it? Would you ask the woman “If I do something that you don’t like, will you give it to me straight and put me in my place?” No way.
So instead, men subconsciously test by CHALLENGING to see if you’ll stay in control… like when they first start to act strange when you’re dating as if they didn’t have strong feelings for you.
The reason I talk about all of this “Never try to convince a man… don’t force a relationship with him… Never let him think that you feel like you have to have him or else your life can’t go on…” etc. is, ironically, to give him what he REALLY wants… a woman that’s in control.
This might seem like “game playing”, but men really do want a challenge. Think action movies and novel themes where you see the man victoriously struggling against all odds…
The women I see that are successful with men are enjoying themselves, talking about whatever comes up, making jokes, and generally behaving like a normal person while they engage in playful challenges with men. But, like anything else, if they do too much testing and challenging, it’s counterproductive… so they must be used at the right moments.
What’s interesting is that the women who are great at teasing, testing, and challenging men do these seemingly controlling things with a bit of a dry humorous spin where the guy has an internal response like “Wow, this girl is feisty, but I can’t tell if she’s serious or not… and I want to find out… but either way, she’s funny and there’s something going on here.”
Most women screw up when a man begins acting distant or weird or when he doesn’t seem interested in her, and when a man gets upset, women will say “I can’t believe you’re doing this” and mess it up. Or they act aloof, and the guy sees her starting to have doubting emotions. You have to stay in control… if a man starts to withdraw, instead of getting nervous say in a playful but confident way, “I guess you don’t know what to do with a real woman once you’ve met her… I guess it’s time to hang out with the girls who don’t have all these hangups…”
Here’s a bit more background on the why’s and how’s of testing and challenging to increase attraction.
When you’re challenging a man early on in a dating situation, the best thing you can do is challenge him in the context of common dating issues that most men have. Asking him, “Why can’t lots of men figure out that they don’t want a woman for a girlfriend before they get intimate or sleep with her?”
I know… it sounds like something dangerous that could backfire if you’re too serious about it. But say this in a playful and challenging way, and it works magic and teaches you a year’s worth of knowledge about a man and how he thinks and feels.
What you’re doing in testing and challenging a man with common dating issues is putting big issues out there in front of him that most women can’t discuss with a man, so it has a lot of what I’ll call “high drama potential”. This isn’t necessarily the negative kind of drama some people think about. It’s the good kind of drama that instantly raises a guy’s heart rate and makes him sit up and pay ten times more attention to you than before.
Why? Because it’s a question most women will never ask a man in a playful context that will allow him to answer in a pressure-free way. The playfulness and challenge of the playful “high drama potential” questions sets things up for an extremely memorable interaction that will leave a strong, attractive, and fun impression of you in a man’s mind.
Best of all, everything happens in a cool and casual way without it sounding and feeling like you’re trying to get a man to talk about “issues”. By doing this, you demonstrate that you’re in control and can deal with issues that other women often lose their cool over while at the same time you challenged him about his feelings and beliefs.
All these things make you more intriguing in the eyes of men, and it’s deeper than physical attraction. Remember that you’re also looking to create the “intellectual attraction” that sets the foundation for something more serious. By triggering a man’s interest and attraction on a cerebral level, you’re increasing your odds of success of a long-term relationship in the future.
The “intellectual attraction” last a whole lot longer than the physical ones do, and play a much more critical role if you’re looking for a longer term relationship with a man. And at the same time, you’re getting all the important information you need about a man BEFORE things get too far along.
What’s interesting is that what causes attraction are usually just brief moments where a few words and expressions are exchanged. But the effects are usually bigger than most long serious conversations. In fact, when you’re in doubt of where an interaction is headed and you want to keep the attraction level high, keep things fun and short. These impressions and short moments have a lot more importance than most women think they do.
Most people’s perceptions of others, as they are getting to know them, are often made up of just a few key brief moments of more direct and intense interaction. And these moments are mixed in with some subtle dynamics involving body language, tone of voice, and other silent behavioral “stuff” involving social status.
You can make fantastic use of these with men, dating and relationships if you know what they are and you start paying attention to them. But just trying things blindly and trying hard probably won’t help you out. You’ve got to take the time to learn and integrate them so they’re something you’re not uncomfortable with.
The fact is that most men haven’t spent time around women who have the wit and the perceptive abilities to ask challenging questions AND do it in a way that comes off to the guy as fun and pressure free while still being assertive. To do this, a woman genuinely has to be “together” with her attitude, body language, etc. or else the message the guy will get will be very different.
The bottom line is that when it comes to finding a woman and settling down, men are NOT attracted to or interested in needy, unconfident, and low status women. They’re attracted to witty, unpredictable, confident, high status women that are comfortable wherever they are, and able to talk about anything they want to talk about in an interesting way. The good news is that ANY woman can learn to take on these qualities for herself, no matter who she is or what she looks like.
If you point out the common, obvious and serious stuff that makes most women nervous and cringe, and do it in a way that shows you are having fun with it and the outcome doesn’t bother you—then all of a sudden you’re not like all the rest. You’re an exceptional woman in a man’s mind. And by being direct and addressing some of the important things you want to know, you’ll get to know a whole lot more about a man at the same time.
It’s a challenge to a man when you ask a questions like this because you’re dangling bait out there for him to take. And what’s even more powerful about it is that you’re being serious AND flirtatious at the same time. Being serious and the flirtatious at the same time feels very playful and fun to a guy.