Thinking in time frames
Here’s a common problem: A woman tries to impress a man by doing things to show that she’s a good long term relationship partner, but the man responds by withdrawing and closing off to her.
In my experience and from studies I’ve read, men have a few general ways they can see a woman as a potential relationship partner in the beginning:
- Not interested
- Interested as a friend
- Interested as a lover
- Interested as a lover and perhaps something more long term
And here’s something fascinating….
Men have a big secret that if a woman knows about it will make him ten times more likely to want a long term relationship with her. But men don’t want you to know about it. If a man sees a woman as a lover and maybe something more long term, he’ll be ok with waiting for things like sex.
Let me say that again…
Make a man wait for sex. Nearly every man I know, even the “players”, have a common theme among all the women they’ve dated seriously. The woman made sure that things moved slowly and that sex did not come before deeper levels of attraction and intimacy were built. (In terms of time, this usually meant a minimum of one to several months before they were more physically intimate.)
Making a man wait for physical intimacy or sex is a MUST DO if you want the option for anything serious in the future.
When a man feels strongly about a woman for more than just a physical fling then he’ll be much more patient about sex and physical intimacy than if he’s just interested in a woman for something physical. He’ll gladly wait for a woman and enjoy the process of learning about the woman as he “courts” her if he sees potential for a longer term relationship.
Here’s the fascinating thing that goes on when a man must wait for a woman… By waiting, he isn’t experiencing just the physical aspects of the relationship and focused on it like men often do. Instead, he’s forced to evaluate his own feelings for the woman and his readiness for a serious relationship up front, before things move along. This is unlike how most situations come about for men where they want to put physical intimacy before ever evaluating the potential for more.
On the other hand, if a man sees a woman as just a physical thing he’ll be likely to push for sex and become impatient. This impatience is a key signal for a woman to pay attention to. It’s great for a man to want it, but it’s not OK for him to become irritated or pressure a woman in any negative way. So if a man does this or pays little attention to a woman’s needs and interests as he’s waiting to be with her it’s because he’s not seeing any potential for anything other than a physical encounter.
Unfortunately, some women feel such a strong connection to a man that they make the mistake of jumping into bed too soon with him even if they know it’s wrong or too soon in the back of their mind. And once they’ve already slept with the man they can’t turn back and they start to become attached and start treating the man like a long term boyfriend and expecting the same in return. But lots of men don’t see a relationship starting just because of physical intimacy.
When to have physical intimacy with a man can be confusing so let me be clear here about something important. There’s no shortcut to getting a guy into a relationship. Trying to substitute sex and other physical intimacy in place of a strong bond and relationship never works. Eventually the “power” of sex will wear off and unfortunately this is how it works with lots of men. If they have sex with a woman too early, they can quickly lose desire for her and have less interest in pursuing a long term relationship.
Most men are very good at sensing when a woman is trying to take “shortcuts” or if she’s trying to rush into a relationship. When this happens it triggers the “Hey, this woman already wants a long term relationship” thinking in the guys mind. This will make him see you as clingy and desperate. As soon as a guy sees this he’ll begin to hold back or withdraw once the initial passion or intensity is fading.
But if a woman does things to attract a man and trigger his interests for something more long term BEFORE sex and/or spending more time together or living together, then SHE can choose more about where she wants the relationship to go.
When men wait for sex, they instantly become much more open to the woman’s ideas about a future together, if they don’t already want more commitment and certainty themselves. By making a man wait, he will also do a much better job at paying attention to your needs and interests.
Go ask some men about this and they’ll tell you the same. Lots of men feel that if a woman is too into them, and if she’s too easy a catch by not requiring them to court her, then he’ll see her as less desirable for a relationship—because men like a challenge. Yeah, I know—of course these aren’t the mature men, but a large majority.
To be more direct: The longer a man waits and courts a woman before he gets to spend lots of time around her and share physical intimacy, the higher the odds are for him to want and desire a successful long term relationship with her. Don’t be afraid to make a man wait to be physical with you. If he’s serious and ready, then the longer you both wait, the better the odds are for your success in the future.
It’s the BIG SECRET men never want women to know. I’ve asked hundreds of men about this directly and they all agree reluctantly: the more a man has to work for what he wants in a woman, the more he will value her. So the more time you can spend with a man dialing up his attraction for you and pushing his buttons for wanting a long term relationship before you get too deep into things, the better the odds are for your future together.