The trouble with catching a “Catch”
After interacting with single men for years and being one of them, I believe that most men want to find one woman to have a great relationship with. And even the hundreds of “players” I’ve met eventually arrive at a desire to be in a fulfilling committed relationship with a woman.
With that said, there’s a Catch 22 here… Unless a guy already knows he’s ready to settle down and has his mind set on it, he won’t know how to be committed and involved in a great relationship. In other words, even the men who want relationships aren’t often capable of maintaining them.
When it comes to finding their way into relationships and making it last, most men are like a blind-folded kids trying to hit a piñata. They swing blindly and wildly, hoping to make contact but going about it with no real sense or strategy.
I’m not saying that all the men out there are incapable, but most of us are “handicapped”. When it comes to figuring out what we want with women and when we want it—we’re hopeless.
Some guys, even if they don’t say it, are just not able to settle down with a woman NO MATTER how amazing she is or how well they get along.
On the other hand, women seem to have a natural and innate compass that helps them find comfort and confidence inside a relationship. With these differences, men and women have a kind of natural opposition.
So if a man is with a woman and SHE doesn’t know how to make things move smoothly and comfortably from one level to the next such as knowing the right time to move forward, what mistakes to avoid, etc. then trying to move forward can feel like walking through quicksand… the faster you move you move the quicker you’ll sink.
If you’re interested in a man and he can’t or won’t communicate that he’s looking for something serious, then, you as the woman, have to take the lead. It’s not an option. That’s right, you have to be the leader or you will, by definition, follow the man into whatever path he chooses. (which is often the path of least resistance! And not a great way to put together a strong future)
So here’s where you need to use what you know about the frustrating and difficult male love psychology. If you act like you’re trying to jump straight into a relationship with a man early on, more often than not he’ll think that you’re putting the cart before the horse and start to pull away.
You’ve probably seen this before with men you’ve dated or with friends. Sometimes when a man and a woman are dating and things are going really well after a few weeks or months, the woman learns enough about the man to feel as if she could have a real future with the guy. So she starts to act on these feelings and communicate them directly and indirectly before she really thinks about or understands where the guy is at. This is like shopping in a “one-size-fits-all” clothing store and ordering from a catalog—you’ll likely NEVER get that perfect fit.
Here’s some general advice about how and what to communicate in your behavior toward men by taking into account their common “dating psychology”: Unless a guy you’re dating is the one pushing for something more serious, he’s just enjoying the dating process and hasn’t made any serious considerations about the future yet.
And if you’re ever in doubt and wondering whether a man feels this way or not, it’s ALWAYS an advantage to assume that he’s still figuring things out. The advantage will be that the lack of pressure and psychological “space” you’ll create, even if it’s unintentional, will actually make him want to get closer to you.
Sounds strange huh? It’s your relaxed and casual attitude and the “space” that’s created when you psychologically “lean back” that will naturally pull a man to you and motivate him to grow more attached and attracted to you.
Don’t ask me why men are this way. They just are.
An important clarification: I’m not saying that it’s acceptable for a man to give excuses, to be distant, not call, flake on you, etc… That stuff is a sure sign of an immature man if it’s going on after the first several weeks or months.
In that case you need to make confident and assertive observations. Firmly but calmly tell the guy that his distant behavior is not what you’re looking for in your own life—and that’s it. If you leave it at that it will have MORE of an IMPACT on a man than if you go into a whole long explanation of why something is wrong, what he’s doing, what his issues are and how it affects or hurts you.
After years and years of watching all the strategies women take with men, it’s the short, assertive, calm approach that make the largest impact on a man when you’re trying to move things forward and deal with his issues about growing closer.
But most women can’t help their feelings in these situations. They’re often frustrated with the way the man is or isn’t communicating about what’s going on with him, so they try to fill the void by letting the man know everything she wants from him. As though her love and desire can fill the gap and the guy will be able to listen and take on her feelings as his own—NOT.
If you create a scenario in your mind about commitment, and tell this to a guy in the beginning of your relationship, you’ll create more distance between the two of you. There’s a huge difference between obtaining your own desires and demanding from someone that they are responsible for giving you what you want.
If you make a man feel like you’re TELLING him or that you’re very needy about the future, a man’s “stay single” response will be triggered. If a man feels that his life would be better, and maybe easier, if he stayed single or just dated casually—what do you think would do?
The reason I know all about the “stay single” attitude is because I’ve lived it. It’s an attitude shared by many men. Even if you have a great “connection” with a man, you’ve got to spend a lot of time together before the man will even think about something more long term. But it’s important that they know that a commitment is important to you.
And if you think that the way to make a man feel attracted to you is to dote on him, become more and more emotionally involved with your feelings for him and just be a sweet, caring and generous woman—then you’re not getting what makes men tick. You don’t get what’s going on inside his mind and what triggers attraction and thoughts of more long term stuff for him.
Creating and sustaining the excitement of attraction, commitment, and love isn’t about doing and saying what the things that create a great situation are for YOU. I call this “Selfish Love” and it’s a form of vanity that lots of people display when dating and in relationships. DON’T make this mistake with men, or in any part of your life for that matter.
If you can learn to think about what other people want and give it to them without compromising yourself, instead of giving them what you think they would want, you’ll instantly become a magically attractive person to be around—in all areas of your life.
Creating and keeping attraction and a connection with a man doesn’t come from your “Selfish Love”. It comes from the behavior, emotions, and communication that trigger positive feelings and reactions for HIM. So the sooner you can shift your perspective to this “out of self” thinking, the sooner everything will become easier for you with a man. You have to stop using YOUR logic when it comes to dealing with men.
Let me give you an example of “Selfish Love”:
Imagine a guy you’re dating told you he wanted to take you away for “the perfect weekend”. You might be intrigued and excited as you think about all the adventures and romantic things you’ll do together and the close connection you’ll build talking and sharing your feelings with each other. You can’t wait. Then the weekend rolls around and the guy has planned for you to do all kinds of “guy” stuff like sit on the couch, watch football on TV, drink beer, eat fast food, and watch porn.
Would that sound great to you? Would it trigger attraction for you and make you think, “Hey, this is someone I could settle down with. They really understand me”?
Yeah, this might sound like a ridiculous example to you, but it’s extreme to make a point. The reality is that it’s a lot like the “Selfish Love” lots of women try to give to men.
Think about it… When women make the effort to do things like cook, shop, clean, share feelings, and nurture a man, they’re doing wonderful and generous things. But it doesn’t mean that the man will become more interested or attracted to her because in reality, the things she’s doing are probably things she’d want somebody to do for her.