Setting yourself apart from other women
If you want to develop the kind of personality that is magnetic and draws men to you for all the right reasons, then you need to start processing a few important ideas in your mind that will ultimately connect you to attractive emotions and emotional states.
Here’s how and why…
What kind of woman makes a man want to do romantic and adventurous things and stay connected and close with her night and day?
If I had to boil it down to one thing, it would be this… The single thing that attracts men for the long-term is a woman who’s in control of her own self (aware and observing of her own emotions, communication, and behavior) in any situation.
So the way I see it, the underpinnings of your personal success or failure with attracting men and creating great environments for long term relationships balances on 2 related areas:
- Your Emotional State or “Self Stuff”
This includes your attitude, how you talk, your self-image, your confidence level, personality and all the intangible.
- Your External Behavior & Communication
This is everything you say and do with a man. And believe it or not, a lot of it is a simple function of what’s going on with the “self-stuff” along with learning about some other key topics such as how attraction works for men.
What I’m getting at is that there’s a process of selfawareness and adjustment around the deeper “self stuff” which includes your own psychology, beliefs, emotions, self-image, etc. that needs to take place before you can take your behavior and communication with men to where it has the effect you want with a man.
For starters, you already now know how powerful and contagious your emotions can be and how they can affect other people. For example, when you’re excited, men close to you are often more energetic and excited with you.
And when you’re down, men are generally pulled down with you and begin to match and mirror your emotional tone—or they distance themselves and withdraw.
Setting positive emotional tones is the easy and obvious way of creating a positive mood with a man. You already know how these work and see it everyday—so I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know about here. But you probably want a whole lot more going on emotionally between you and a man than just your acting happy and excited and him responding, right?
Good. Here’s where to start then. Think for a minute about yourself and about how men in the past have become energized, attracted, and connected to you as a woman. What did you think and do to make this happen?
I bet you’ll remember some interesting things you did and said, and I bet that you can do those things again. Taking your own personal ideas and “style” from what you remember about yourself, take a look at some of the ones I’ve come up with listed below.
After years of reading, research, observation, talking with women, and my own personal experiences, I’ve found a few important constant emotional habits or beliefs that successful and fulfilled people have. And the women who’ve applied these to men and dating have benefited from this because it eliminates TONS of conflicting issues that women run into with men.
Here’s a short list of positive emotional habits.
- Set a positive emotional tone and keep it.
- Start important interaction by first expressing the feelings you want the him to return.
- Seek to understand, then seek to be understood.
- Be flexible.
- Talk “tough” but practice understanding.
Below is an explanation of these beliefs. I put them in a situational context to show you how them work in the real world, and how you can benefit from them.
- Set A Positive Emotional Tone, And Keep It:
Have you ever sat and watched people talking, say at a restaurant. If you watch for a few seconds or minutes, you can usually tell that there’s one person who’s leading or dictating the context and emotional tone of the conversation, and one person who’s following.
Big hint… The person who’s laughing more (especially nervous laughter) and shaking “Yes” with their head up and down is usually going along with the other person’s emotional tone. The person who laughs less, doesn’t give as many body language “cues”, and has less fidgeting and movement is usually the person who is leading the tone of the conversation.
This is fascinating when you apply it to men and women. Women who set or dictate a positive emotional tone with a man do something VERY powerful. They demonstrate a certain type of dominance and control at a deep level. When a woman’s tone is consistently positive, even in tough situations, it exudes confidence, which makes her very attractive to men.
The woman becomes someone who creates an atmosphere that he’s naturally drawn to. Doing this as a woman, you’re steering a man’s emotional state in a positive direction, and a man that gets this consistently from you will become attracted to you at a deep unconscious level.
And you can take it a step farther… If you help a man have a positive experience in a situation that he would normally expect to be negative, you will become a rare, unique, and valuable person to him. In his mind, he will instantly see you as someone who understands him better than most women or most people in the world.
Be ready for a man to become unusually open, honest, sensitive, and emotionally in-tune with you when this happens. At this point, it’s good to start talking about positive things that you share as a means to reinforce his opening up, his emotional awareness, and his heightened sensitivity.
After a little bit of this, you’ll have a guy on your hands who will want to get to know everything about you and your own emotions—and help make them a reality.
- Start Important Interactions By First Expressing The Feelings You Want Him To Return:
There’s an important idea I think about a lot, especially when I’m involved in any kind of emotionally heated or charged situation. And it’s something that I’ve watched successful women who are naturally successful and have an easy time in any situation with a man. I call these women “Naturals”.
The idea is that emotions are contagious, which we’ve talked about before, but it’s worth mentioning twice in this context.
Think about it for a minute… When people interact, there’s a transfer of emotions or “mood” that originates from the person who’s more confident and assertive in expressing their feelings to the person who’s more passive.
I could spend all day thinking about how this dynamic plays out between men and women…
It makes me think of the old saying, “You catch more flies with honey”, but unfortunately lots of people don’t see how this idea can work for them, especially women. I can’t tell you how many times I hear women talking about their feelings, the problem is they say one thing, but mean another. They talk about their “actual intentions”, but what they REALLY WANT from the man is something totally unrelated.
In fact, most women (and men) have no idea what they want when they’re talking about their feelings and emotions. They just know that they feel something and they don’t know what to do about it and they want the pain to go away or the pleasure to continue.
What happens when a woman communicates about her feelings and what she wants with a man and doesn’t consider how the man will perceive it differently than how she sees it?
Well, the ONLY thing that is clearly visible to a man in this situation is the woman’s emotional tone—that she’s frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, etc. So the emotional tone the woman dictates (most of the time unintentionally) takes the conversation to a place that is inevitably frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, etc—all the things that the woman’s emotional tone dictates.
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that women generally don’t get too far in getting what they want with men when they pass along negative emotional tones to start things off in a conversation.
Ever begin an important talk with a man, or accidentally lead yourself into it, by talking about something negative that is bothering you?
What tone did it set? And what was the guy’s response?
Try setting the right emotional tone first.
- Seek To Understand, Then Seek To Be Understood:
I’ve got a friend who’s very successful in business. He’s the kind of guy that people are magnetically drawn to. And I’ve learned that a big piece of what draws people to him is that he’s ALWAYS thinking about what the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and concerns in any given situation—not his personal agenda. So when he goes into a meeting, has lunch with anyone, gets on the phone, etc. he immediately goes into “Understanding Mode” where all he wants to do is get a feel for what the other person is thinking and feeling.
When I first watched him do this, I thought it was a little over-done. He’d consistently ask questions, and then repeat back to the person later what they told him earlier. (I later learned this last part was a huge piece of the process with the connections he was making.)
But then I watched the results… After doing this with those around him, EVERYONE wanted to give him their understanding. In turn, these people extended their generosity to him in his personal AND professional life.
So I decided to try it in my own life, and guess what? It totally worked and it continous to serve me in every area of my life. Imagine that!
- Be Flexible:
Most of the time, men just want to feel understood and appreciated, just like women do. If you can let a man know that you’ve taken the time to see things from his perspective, even just a little bit, it will have a big impact. He’ll see you as easier to be with, and perhaps the woman that he wants to share more of his life with. And this brings more trust and intimacy.
Of course you don’t have to give up your take on things, even if they contradict what the man might be seeing or feeling. But there’s the added benefit that you might learn something about the man and how he’s experiencing things that you might not have seen if you didn’t put yourself in his shoes.
What often happens is that a woman has an ideal of how things should be and how she should feel with a man. And while these ideals have value, they aren’t always realistic. So when a woman allows herself and her life to be more flexible, she’ll start to make changes and choices, which will be a pleasant surprise to the man with her. These unexpected choices and changes can lead a man to feel a strong level of attraction and a sense of comfort and trust toward her.
- Talk “Tough” But Practice Understanding
Some women use their emotions and their side of the story to get what they want with a man. And when push comes to shove, some will bully a man into doing something because they think bullying is the right thing to do—whether it’s telling a man to be more affectionate, spend more time together, or to not generally act like a jack-ass.
If you do this in a way that says to a man, “it’s all about how it affects you”, it’s like DEATH when dealing with a man you want to stay with. The man will eventually resent this kind of communication and you. You’ve got to learn to communicate in a way that says to a man, “I see both sides of this story, and here’s what I want—what about you?”
This way you’ll come off as assertive, but not controlling and over-bearing, and a man will feel as if he’s making the decision for himself—which is a much more powerful way to influence someone. Doing this will greatly improve your relationship with a man—and your life.
A good way to do start doing this is to always remember that there will be a time to express your feelings. Remember that not every conversation is the right time to affect change in a man. You don’t need to express all your thoughts, feelings and ideas about a topic on the spot, especially if you’re feeling really emotional about the topic. Wait and be patient, and do it when the time is right. Don’t be in a hurry when you’re in tough situations with a man—patience is wisdom and it will help you get what you want.
So we have covered the short list of emotional habits or “beliefs”. In the real world, if you demonstrate these things to a man in a positive emotional tone you will see the amazing effect in your relationship.
It’s important for a woman to do these without compromising herself by creating an unhealthy balance with a man where she caters to anything a man wants and becomes a push over.
Some women have too much of the “door-mat” thing going on, and unfortunately they get walked on by men who are more like bulls in a china shop when it comes to communication and their emotions.
If you’re assertive without being too pushy, you’ll become an amazing and irresistible woman in a man’s mind. And what you receive from a man will be understanding and his willingness to compromise especially when you have conflicting perspectives.
You’ll get a whole lot back from a man, and you won’t have to give much at all. And what does it really “cost” you anyways?
I know this can work with men because I’ve watched it. I’ve even personally experienced it.