Have you ever felt like a man would be there for you, and when he wasn’t it really hurt your feelings?
Or have you ever been let down or heartbroken when the guy you were dating suddenly wanted to end the relationship even though everything seemed like it was going great?
I mean, when you’re dating or early on in a relationship, isn’t there an implied responsibility of being there for each other? You’re supposed to take care of the people you get involved with—right?
Well, the bad news is that some men just don’t see things this way, and it creates a big rift between what men and women expect from each other when dating.
Emotionally, lots of women instantly feel that the truth of the situation is that a man owes them something because they’re together, even if the issue of commitment has never been discussed.
These “unspoken situations” with men are extremely common and difficult positions women find themselves in with men. And yeah, I get that some men are tough nuts to crack and women don’t want to rock the boat by trying to have “the talk” or inquire about what’s going on inside the guys’ heart and head. This seems like the last thing to do with a man, especially if things are pretty new and the guy is not too emotionally open by nature.
But there’s something that tons of women do inside their own mind that makes this situation worse for themselves. They have an ideal in their mind and constantly compare what’s going on to that ideal. With this happening, a woman will never feel like things are good enough because she’ll never get EXACTLY her ideal situation and what she’s secretly expecting from a man.
The odds of ANY MAN living up to those ideals in a short to medium amount of time are slim to none—men just don’t move that fast with love and commitment. Only a few lucky women have this happen—one in a million. And if you’re married girlfriends tell you differently, then they’re lying to you or they’ve conveniently forgot all about the bumps along the road in their own relationship when it wasn’t exactly how they wanted it.
So the disappointment that women have from not getting what they want and expect often affects their entire attitude with a man. In this situation, some women become emotionally dependent on a man because they’re waiting for him to give them what they think they want.
There’s an important truth I try to remember:
No single person can EVER give you exactly what you want emotionally. Humans are too complex to have their emotional needs met by one person.
So when a woman has the belief that a man can and should give her exactly what she wants, she becomes mentally and emotionally dependent on a man by expecting him to meet all her emotional needs and expectations—this is a sure-fire way to end up feeling lousy. And it can lead you to having needy negative displays of emotions that can make things worse.
I call this whole process “Relationship Debt”. It’s something that can start immediately when a man and a woman meet.
Here’s a story about a girl named Lisa:
Lisa’s been thinking about all the things she wants to have in her relationship and in the future. She’s created a picture in her head of what her life with a man would be like.
She’s developed a sense of trust with her boyfriend. She feels that they are deeply committed to each other through the special connection they share. Since she’s been dating him for six months, she’s decided it’s time for their relationship to go to “the next level.” And because she’s so confident in the relationship, she’s developed attachments to the longer term plans she sees in her mind.
In her mind, it’s time for things to progress—so Lisa talks to her friends about him and wonders why he hasn’t talked about the obvious progression together.
And everyone’s asking:
- When will the relationship progress?
- When are you guys moving in together?
- When is he going to figure it out and settle down with you?
The friends are asking, the families are asking, everybody is asking.
And it’s starting to frustrate her—a lot.
Then she does what drives men crazy. What makes men want to run from a relationship early on.
She calls in her “Relationship Debt”. It happens as Lisa starts thinking…
- Maybe he doesn’t feel the way I do?
- Why is he avoiding the subject of our relationship?
- Is he like the other guys I’ve dated who are afraid of commitment?
- Is he doing the same thing that my friend’s boyfriend did?
- Will he freak out or get mad when I bring this up?
So Lisa decides to have “the talk” with her boyfriend.
She unleashes all her built up thoughts, expectations, and frustrations on her boyfriend. She begins to tell him all the things she feels she deserves from him and the relationship—she wants him to own up to his emotional debt.
It’s an emotional tidal wave as she releases all the pent up energy.
And guess what her boyfriend does?
Like most men, he’s not very good at handling intense emotional situations. And being a clueless man, he has NO IDEA where all this intense negative energy is coming from. He can’t think of ANYTHING he’s done to warrant such intense emotional “drama”.
So he reacts to Lisa with his own frustration and anger, then he storms off to leave the scene of the fight, unable to deal with all the things being thrown at him all at once.