On testing and challenging men
There’s a deeper a communication that takes place when you talk to a man in a challenging way, and it goes beyond attraction. By asking a man direct questions about his character, his personality and his desires in a pressure free, fun, and flirtatious way, you’re subtly telling him that you’re paying attention to him and being selective about what kind of man you’ll spend your time with. Remember the section on selectivity and its benefits.
In other words, you’re silently communicating that you don’t spend time with men, or any person for that matter, that doesn’t live up to your standards and who aren’t going where you’re headed in your life. But then you’ve got to make sure you know where you’re headed.
I’ve got a confession to make about a bad habit lots of men have. It’s something I know about because I hear men of all ages talk about it over and over wherever I go. But women don’t seem to hear it or pick up on it because men really only talk this way around other men. And I couldn’t put my finger on what this attitude was and what it meant until I separated myself from this attitude and perspective—then I saw things more clearly.
Lots of men talk about women with this negative attitude and it’s as though the woman is trying to take something away from them. Maybe you’ve seen or encountered this attitude in men. Like when a guy will talk about a woman he’s dating and say “Yeah, she’s great but I’m just not ready for a relationship.”
These men often feel this way because they have a negative stereotype in their mind about needy and unexciting women who cling to relationships. It’s the “Ball and Chain” woman that makes a man feel trapped and his life devoid of fun and excitement. And when men see behavior or an attitude they think might be this persona in a woman, men instantly identify everything that woman does as representing the ball and chain.
It’s interesting because I get a lot of emails from women who read my newsletters that say things like…
“I’m sure what you’re saying is right, but my situation is different because my guy has specific issues. How do I deal with (issues here)?”
“I’ve seen what you’re talking about in my guy, but I’m a great girlfriend and these are all his issues, so I’m doing everything right and he should simply like me for me…”
I’d like to address these ideas. Up until about 3 years ago, I would tell women to be patient and supportive when they encountered issues that were holding things back. I’d tell these women that men had to take time to work through issues and that women should be patient and supportive because these issues are reasonable.
In all honesty, I found out that after time this actually created more obstacles for women with the men they were with or interested in because of how men reacted and dealt with this attitude of acceptance and patience around their inability to move forward.
Because I believed that being the “nice and supportive girlfriend” who helps a man deal with all his issues and waited for him to figure it out MUST be the way to success with men, it didn’t make sense that doing anything besides supporting him would be the right thing to do and say to a man to keep him attracted and interested. In other words, I could see a situation where a woman was attracted to a mean, abusive guy and think to that she must be either screwed up in the head, or that the guy must be REALLY NICE to her the rest of the time.
As you probably know, it’s hard to convince a person to believe something when they’ve already established their own opinion about the issue. The person that you’re trying to convince just uses whatever you say to convince themselves that they’re actually right, and you’re wrong.
Well, when I told these women that being nice and supportive wouldn’t help the guy change, they did the exact same thing. No matter how much evidence I found to the contrary, they still somehow believed that being a “nice” woman, taking care of a man, and generally letting him be in control of the relationship HAD to be the way to attract them and keep them around.
Well, after watching these women continue along the same path and getting the same results, I realized something that literally changed how I saw EVERYTHING.
I realized that women who playfully test and challenge men do, in fact, attract great men and the men stay around longer. And even more amazing is that I found that the more a woman was focused and deliberate about communicating what she wanted with a man, as long as she didn’t use much pressure to communicate, it worked in her favor.
“Selfish” behavior, as unhealthy as this might sound, often makes men feel attracted to you and wins them over to your way of thinking. Weird huh? Sarcasm, playing hard to get, challenging their behavior and beliefs and all kinds of other “illogical” things like letting a man know that you’ll only date him seriously if he’s open to considering marriage as an option in the future really does work when it comes to attracting and keeping good men around.
Check out the book “Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others” by John T. Molloy for more on men and marriage. It’s all there in the cold hard statistics of the women who married and those that didn’t.
But then I found a dilemma…
I love the idea of helping women become more successful with men, but I HATE the idea of leading them to mistreating men, being too sarcastic and mean to them, lying, misleading, manipulating, etc. Deep down, most women are good people that want to be good to others and to the men they’re around.
I decided that there MUST be a way to make this work, and to attract men without playing games or manipulating. And the good news is that THERE IS a way. But it requires that you put aside your current ideas just long enough to entertain some new ones.
First, let me say that I believe I’ve found a way to take the things that selfish women do to attract men and use them WITHOUT THE ABUSE. When you learn to do this, you can really have the best of both worlds… you can be nice to men on your own terms, and give them what they REALLY want, and what REALLY attracts them.
So why do men become attracted to selfish women or “bitches”?
The short answer is that they don’t CHOOSE it. It’s something that just HAPPENS.
ATTRACTION ISN’T A CHOICE. It’s an emotional response to certain things. Men don’t CHOOSE to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for more “selfish” women any more than YOU choose to feel the emotion called ATTRACTION for unavailable men.
Nature has pre-programmed men with attraction mechanisms that work differently than woman. Women’s attraction mechanisms are initially more complex, whereas men can usually just see a good looking woman and feel intense attraction for her. And yeah, women do feel attraction for extremely good looking guys as well, but they feel a much stronger attraction for certain personality traits and behaviors than they do for physical looks alone. As men get to know women, the same becomes true for women—the attraction, based on the personality traits and behaviors, start to take a stronger hold.
So what is it about the “selfish” woman that creates this powerful, intellectual attraction inside of men?
Let me answer first by telling you what IT’S NOT:
It’s NOT the lack of generosity. I don’t believe that women who are selfish in the way that I’m talking about lack generosity with their emotions, their possessions, etc. Men aren’t attracted to that abusive, mean, negative part of the “bitch personality” (not healthy men usually anyway).
I think that “selfish” women JUST HAPPEN to also possess several ATTRACTIVE qualities that are SO POWERFUL that that they literally make men BLIND to the negatives. So men will rationalize and excuse the negative behavior because they are so attracted to these other qualities.
Here’s a PARTIAL list of what creates that ATTRACTION:
- Casual Interplay of Dominance/Submission
Of course, there are many more, but this will get us started. The qualities I’ve listed above, when presented correctly, trigger the natural “attraction mechanism” inside of men.
“Bitchy” women have taken natural qualities that are ATTRACTIVE to women a little “too far”. But because they’re still there, the qualities trigger the attraction anyway.
So what does this mean to you?
Well, the most important thing is that it means you can still be a good person and attract men at the same time. You’re probably going to have to learn how to flirt in a different way, and become a little more comfortable being challenging to men. But in the end, you’ll find that this will get you what you want, and still allow you to treat men well on your own terms.
It also means that instead of being the woman who men vent to about their relationship problems, and how their bimbo girlfriend is being high maintenance again… you can be the woman who they’re dating and spending quality time with.
Yes! Think about how you can cultivate the four qualities that I’ve mentioned above into your personality. See if you can be a little less predictable. Don’t let outside events or men control you. Be more of a challenge. Stop being submissive… and get in touch with that side of you that is more dominant (I said “dominant”, not “domineering”). And take some time to think about the positive benefits you can get by being generous and selfish at the same time. Selfish is about asking and telling people what you want in your life, not forcing it on them.