There’s an “alter ego” we all have that has taken over at some point in our lives. Think about the last time you were really upset or angry. Or back when you were a kid. Do you remember being upset and your body moving and words coming out of your mouth so quickly that it was felt as if you were on autopilot?
We’ve all got that survival instinct in us. But it’s not something we really need or want in our everyday lives. We’re not out in the wild where we need to be prepared to respond at a moments notice, without thinking.
For men, their emotions don’t always connect their heart to their body. There was a purpose to this preprogrammed emotional detachment hundreds and thousands of years ago. Fighting, hunting, mating, and other forms of competition made the ability to detach emotionally an advantage for men.
For women, their basic genetic programming is different. They’re more inclined to attach to people and things emotionally, and as a result are often more selective with men than men are with women. But once they do find a man, women are prone to have a deeper level of emotional attachment.
No one’s “right” in nature, just different. But some women’s emotions can start to tell them that a man is wrong for being emotionally detached. Women believe that men are wrong in acting this way. But what they don’t understand is that emotional detached is often not a conscious choice for men.
Because men and women have different ways of emotionally connecting with each other, painful differences often show up when it expectations are revealed or it comes time to talk about a more serious relationship. This contrast or difference can be the source of a whole range of emotional frustrations that women deal with when they’re dating men.
There’s a concept around this idea that I call a man’s “Emotional Potential”. I think that each man has a different measure of where he falls in his potential to enter a committed and emotionally connected relationship. Some men are born with more natural emotional potential toward women than others.
Women, in general, have a very high emotional potential toward men, usually accompanied with the onset of strong chemistry. The personal and emotional interactions help to quickly “attach” women to men.
Men, comparatively, have a very low emotional potential. Personal interactions don’t do as much to “attach” a man to a woman, unless there is some other way that his emotions are stirred and coaxed out to be shared.
A man’s emotional potential with a woman is based on the speed and depth of his ability to emotionally attach and bond to a woman. So there are a few ways for women to help a man realize his emotional potential, if she’s patient and willing. But be forewarned, it’s not usually quick and easy going, and some men can’t be helped if they’re too closed off.
Here are a few good ways to go about it…
- Keep talking about other couples and how they are emotionally “close” and how they do things. But do it subtly. Most men are much better at learning from other couples than they are from trying new things that they can’t see or piece together in their head.
- Share with a man the way you see things in a pressure-free way. If you tell a man something that he did that you like, then talk about the way it made you feel, explain how it makes you feel closer to him… he’ll start to get it. Eventually, he’ll start to respond and want to have his own experiences like this with you that he can share back. You can even play on his competitive nature a little if you want, it’s a great motivator. Tell him that “no man’s an island…” and playfully mock him when he acts closed off.
- Point out, without criticizing too much or getting too negative, how other couples and other men live detached and lonely lives because they don’t let other people in emotionally. Stories and movies are the most powerful way to do this. Go to a movie that involves this and ask him what he thinks and feels. Get him thinking about it for himself and improving his own life.